Don't Date a Musician Unless You're Glutton for Self Abuse...

Owen had his farewell show last night. Because of this, I no longer am a musician's girlfriend. However, I've dated my fair share of band boys. In honor of this and because it no longer is applicable going forward w/my life, here's my list of reasons that it sucks to date musicians.

Despite their good looks, tight jeans and oblivious attitude, these gentlemen do have their downfalls. I'm here to expose them....

1.) Super fans, ex-girlfriends who are fans, groupies, sorority girls who slum it for the night but still think they are better than you, the bassist's extremely stoned girlfriend, rude door people who just won't give me my fucking bracelet...all people you have to deal w/on a nightly basis
2.) Foam earplugs take up residence on your floor, night stand, bathroom counter or any open space.
3.) Your hot fling may become your live-in boyfriend in a matter of months without your consent...blame the state of constant filth in the band house...
4.) Speaking of, the band house....a great place to party...the worst place to live. Dirty bathrooms, sticky floors from the keg spill last month, STD-infested couches and rodents are a given. I suggest taking him back to your place or bringing your own set of sheets.
5.) In the dating stage, always bring enough money to pay for your movie ticket AND his...this never changes, by the way.
6.) Large phone bills...he's never in town on the weekends and goes on tour for 3 month stretches but somehow manages to drunk dial you religiously at 3 AM.
7.) Road tripping to his show in middle-of-nowhere Kansas..only to have a few beers while sitting through sound check of all 20 bands and then pass out in the van way before their set.
8.) The van...every band has one. Basically, same disarray as the band house but w/wheels. NEVER take anything in to the van that you wouldn't mind losing, getting soiled w/beer and whiskey or smelling like pot.
9.) Pot...all band boys have smoked weed at some point. Drinking gets dull after awhile and you have to do something to fill your time between shows. If you have any issues w/occasional drug use, I recommend avoiding the entire musician genre...
10.) He lives out of his backpack and his clothes reflect this...he will never willingly wear a pair of dress pants and a starched shirt...date a banker.
11.) Air-drumming and air-guitar...he will bust these moves all day every day regardless if he's listening to music or not. I've actually seen Owen drum on our dog. I don't think she sustained any injuries.
12.) He has a different sleep schedule then you. His job starts at 10 pm in the evening and can last up until 530 am. Don't expect him to be to excited about Sunday brunch or anything that starts before 3 in the afternoon.
13.) You will be exposed to the best and worst that music has to offer. Mostly the worse...
14.) The inner circle. Be prepared to be sucked into everyone's drama...whether it be because the lead singer's girlfriend got wasted and left with that other band's drummer or that the bassist refuses to pay rent and is thinking of quitting the band to join the army, you will hear about it and take sides...
15.) Your constant weekend state of hungover...prepare accordingly throughout the week w/extra cardio, water and sleep.
16.) He won't buy you that ring from Tiffany's, a new Mercedes or even a half pint of Ben & Jerry's. He's habitually broke. Apparently being a rock star doesn't count as work experience.
17.)their idea of "date night" is a spot on the guest list and their drink tickets at the bar ;-) (by shanna, wearer of many dresses and proud pet mommy..partakes in the occasional band boy)

Yes, the role of musician is best left to the young and good-looking, otherwise they would never get any ladies. But, despite all their downfalls, they are a great group of gentlemen who are kind and caring despite their rough exteriors. Just be prepared before you take that hot blue-eyed guitarist home w/you...because like a stray puppy, he'll grown on you before you have the time to take him to the pound....

Note: Ladies, feel free to send me a few more. I know we all have them. I will probably continue to add to this list, as it is a subject very near and dear to my heart...

When the cat's away....

Note: My boyfriend is out of town on band-ness for the rest of the week. This is a tell-all of ladies left to their own devices.

I arrived home at around 700 after a torturous day at work. I did my light-weight toning circuit. I watched my fave TV programming, ANTM and Gossip Girl. I ate the left-overs of a meal my boyfriend made on Monday. I drank a few glasses of wine while eating strawberries and chocolate. I skimmed the latest issue of Glamour (Jennifer Garner looks A-mazing and I loved the "Treat Yourself" section...a few of those items will end up in my closet). Drank another glass of wine. I did some dishes. Poured myself another glass. I cleaned up our apartment. Read over the gossip sites. I tried to explain to Boo why daddy isn't home yet. Now, I'm finishing up the bottle...deciding on my night cap. Sex and the City or porn?

Dear Leering Asshole In the Ford Truck/On Fry Street/Out Between 12:00-1:00 PM/On Sunday,

I don't run to attract attention. I'm not a Baywatch extra. Honking, shouting, whistling or staring will not get you a date. I will probably flip you off or just ignore you. If you dare have the balls to stop your car and try to talk to me while I'm running, I will assume you are trying to rape/kidnap me. In which case, I have taken self defense. I would avoid this at all cost if you value your balls and/or penis.

On Friday night, I didn't get dressed up for you. I enjoy my little dress and cute boots, too. I know I look good in them, otherwise I wouldn't waste my money. I don't enjoy your drunken groping or slurring. My friends and I like to dance alone. Unless, you would like to buy one of us a drink. In which case, we will tolerate you for maybe 5 seconds. Always keep in mind we can drink you under the table. You will be laughed at the next morning.

If you see me on my lunch hour, I'm not wearing my pinstripes because I thought I might see you at Subway. Truth be told, I work in the fashion industry. I'm expected to dress nice/trendy daily. I do enjoy the occasional compliment during the day time hours if done with class (ie "You look nice today.") while looking at my face...the object above my breasts.

I don't wear tank tops, leggings, or skirts to Kroger to be visually raped by you. I know that it's cold in the freezer section. I know that my leggings and gym shorts are extremely tight. I know, as a man, you are incapable of keeping your eyes off of my chest region . However, I am young enough to be your daughter, perhaps your grand-daughter. Basically, you're an old man who creeps me out. And next time, you may get a gallon of ice cream to the back of the head.

If at any time you see me in public and think I might have thought of you while dressing, just ask me. I'll be happy to remind you just how wrong you are.

Sincerely,
Jennifer